First and foremost, I have this last class(Building and Home Automation) that I know will be a lot of work and possibly may consume my life for the next six weeks. It’s hard to believe that I only have six weeks left. I am really going to miss the school, and the instructors in the school. They are all such cool and knowledgeable people, and I have really good relationships with all of them. I have been praised so much on my grades and have about six teachers that are willing to write that recommendation letter for me. Many times I have thought about switching to the Degree program, because if this is the only schooling that I will have in my life, at least I would have some sort of degree. Instructors are shocked when I say i’m only in the diploma program, they say that i’m worth much more than the diploma, and that I should me going for the Associates Degree. Maybe I should go for it. I think the only thing that’s holding me back is the worry of additional debt it will incur.
My next worry is getting a job. I know many of my instructors have said they are keeping an eye and ear open for openings, so maybe something will come of that. I did sign up for placement with career services, but I’m really not sure what they may find for me. I haven’t really been looking for a job, but I may have to start looking for something local as I still don’t have my drivers license. I’m hoping there may be a lab assistant position at school where I could start until at least I find something better, at least that would buy me more time to get a license.
I just haven’t had the time to dedicate to practice driving(illness and setbacks prevented this), and I don’t know if my learners permit is still valid, and I don’t know where it is at this point. I’m going to have to find it. Honestly, I think driving is terrifying to me. I’d love to drive, but I have some sort of irrational fear of making a mistake, and causing an accident. I have made too many mistakes back when I was practicing driving, I’m not sure that am capable or trustworthy of a license. I’m terrified of taking the driving test. I love cars, and would love to have that freedom of a license, but I just don’t know how to go about overcoming this, it’s so embarrassing.
I love cars, and my line of work I want to get into almost requires you to drive. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should look into a driving school.
Entering a new career and job market is scary, i’m not going to lie. I still don’t have a clear idea what I want to do, and it’s frustrating. I just hope that i’m capable enough to do jobs that are out there. I really want a better future, a better life, and financial security. I want money to be able to do the things I want, peruse my hobbies and crafts, and simply afford to go out and enjoy a move or event without feeling like I’m going broke.
I haven’t talked about this much(not even to David to the extent of this post), because I don’t want to burden others with my real problems, because all too many times people have made me feel like what I feel isn’t valid, that I’m just causing “drama”, and that I should just “suck it up” and get past it, but it’s not that easy.
It really took me a lot of guts to post all this, but I wanted to get it out into the open, and hopefully, this post to the WWW is part of my healing process and confrontation of my fears. I don’t need a psychiatrist, I need support from friends.